Welcome to the Darkside We Have Cookies
by raven lynn morrigan
Summary: Spoof-someone new is looking to rule the dark-side of the force and has found the pawn to do so with a little unexpected help. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**As a rule I don't do rewrites of movies or tv shows but on this I caved after a bit of convincing. This spoof all started with some kooky text messages based on t-shirt slogans I mixed with Star Wars to amuse my cousin Amanda who is a big Star Wars fan. It picks up somewhere after the end of Episode 3 movie but well before the parts that comes after it. I hope the story version lives up to the hilarious insanity that was those text messages.**

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><p>Welcome To The Darkside We Have Cookies<p>

"Would you like a cookie sir? Hot and fresh just out of the oven." The Cookietender looks up at the newcomer's face mask. "I could blend it up in a milkshake if you like."

Darth Vader looks at the girl behind the bar. "Since when do they serve cookies in Club Sith?"

"Always-Darth Sideous can't live without them. I see you're new here. Allow me to officially welcome you to the darkside-we have cookies."

Darth Sideous walks out from behind the curtain onto the stage. "Hey all you out there its karaoke night here at Club Sith. So whadda say lets get this party started?"

Darth Vader looks up at Darth Sideous then around the empty room save for himself and the cookie girl. As Darth Sideous picks a song and begins to sing. "Who's he talking to?"

"You and me. He used to let drones hang out here but he got sick of them calling each other Rodger all the time. He kinda didn't think through the whole only two Sith Lord's at a time thing before he built a members only establishment. You would think he would have at least named it something that wouldn't catch the attention of those bothersome Jedi. They try to crash the place from tome to time. Luckily I know a few mind tricks that works on Jedis."

"Why did he build this place?"

"This guy is a total party animal. Just wait till he kicks back a few plates of cookies and the party will really get started. I just hope you can sing. Between you and me-I think that's why Darth Maul got the ax."

"The ax?"

"Oh yeah. The guy couldn't carry a tune in a bucket and he wasn't much for parties. He was a pretty quiet guy. I don't trust them as rule-or anyone who can't hold his cookies for that matter and he couldn't do that either. Lets just say at the boss' orders Darth Maul wasn't at his best when he met his end at the hands of those Jedi's and let that be some advice to you if you catch my drift."

"Yeah I'll take one of those cookie milkshakes."

"The house speciality and cookie of the day are the boiled oatmeal chocolate peanutbutter cookies. We also have chocolate chip, peanutbutter, sugar cookies, coconut macaroons, snickerdoodles, and that is just to name a few." Motions down the long bar. "Can't find what you want name it and its yours in 30 minutes or less or its free."

"Surprise me."

"Anything you're allergic to I should know about?"

"No."

"Excellent. Take a seat and I'll bring something right out." The Cookietender watches as Darth Vader wanders over toward the stage as she goes to work on one of her crowd pleasing mint chocolate chip cookie milk shakes for starters. She pushes the button on a com device connecting to her favorite secret minion and speaks low. "Jar-Jar you're right he's the one. Prepare for phase two."

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><p><strong>Cookie of the day: Boiled Oatmeal Chocolate Peanutbutter Cookies. Care for one or at least the Cookietender's recipe-if you wish to become a minion that is ;)<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**I have to admit that I wasn't that big of a Star Wars fan. Not until episodes 1, 2, and 3 came out anyway. But I have only seen them maybe once each so I may not be getting everything right. As to wether Jar Jar's planet was still in the senate at the end of episode 3 is one. But this is a spoof and I need him there to start phase two of the cookie tender's plan.**

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><p>"Phase two. Rodger 667. 333 isa ready. The package isa about to be delivered." Jar Jar turns off his com and opens a drawer in which several novelty shirts lay that states <em>I Don't Have to be Good I'm Cute<em> and _333 I'm only Half Evil_ and moves them aside to reveal an ordinary looking cookie box. He picks up the box then opens the door and steps outside. Several of the clone warriors mill about the senate hallways Jar Jar steps up to the closest one. "Excuse meesa. This here package was delivered to my office by mistake. Would yousa please see that it gets to the Chancellor?"

The clone takes the package and looks down at the address. "Of course Senator Binks."

"One more thing." Jar Jar waves his hand in front of the clone. "Iffen asked yousa never saw meesa today. That package came in on the supply ship this morning."

"Excuse me, this package came in on the supply ship this morning. I must deliver it to the Chancellor's office."

"Well then yousa have a nice day."

"Thank you Senator Binks and same to you."

Jar Jar stands and watches the clone rush off down the hall. He continues down the hall so that he doesn't arouse suspicion. He smirks to himself. He will do anything for cookies.

-2-

"One surprise mint chocolate chip cookie milkshake-it was a crowd pleaser with the droids."

"The droids drank milk shakes?"

"They say it gave their batteries a real charge."

"So-I didn't catch your name."

"A Baker but around here I'm just called the cookie tender."

"A Baker?"

"Good name for a cookie maker 'eh?"

"That's your real name?"

"Cross my heart hope to die. At least I didn't get saddled with Z Plumber like my half brother."

"Yowsa! Am I hot tonight or what?" Darth Sideous looks down at the cookie tender between songs. "I'm in the mood for brownies tonight. Can you do that in 30 minutes or less Cookie Tender?"

The cookie tender looks up at Darth Sideous on stage. "Was little Aniken Skywalker the best pod racer ever? Yo Rodger fire up the nuke 'em!"

Darth Vader looks up in shock at the Cookie Tender's mention of his real name.

The first kitchen droid looks up. "Rodger that's a go for the nuke 'em!"

The second kitchen droid turns on the oven. "Rodger-Rodger the nuke 'em is fired!"

The first kitchen droid replies. "Rodger on that Rodger-Rodger! The nuke 'em is fired sir!"

"Rodger-Roger!" The cookie tender smirks to herself as she glances up at Darth Sideous. "Rodger prep for recipe 18."

"Rodger that prepping for recipe 18." The first droid goes to work.

"I hate those droids!" Darth Vader looks up at Darth Sideous as the Cookie Tender heads back toward the kitchen. "If she weren't such a damn good baker-I would have her head for that."

Darth Vader doesn't respond he just turns his attention to the milkshake as he wonders just what he has gotten himself into.

The cookie tender enters the kitchen and puts on her apron that says _667 Evil and then Some_ and goes to work on the brownies.

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><p><strong>Darth Sideous request of the day: Brownies. Care for one or at least the Cookietender's recipe-if you wish to become a minion that is ;)<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**More cookie based insanity ensues in this weeks installment.**

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><p>The cookietender picks up a com device that beeps as the brownies go into the super speedy Nuke 'em oven. "333 I told you not you call me here unless its an emergency."<p>

"Messa thought you want to know the package has been delivered."

"Excellent."

"The trooper who delivered it doesn't remember where it came from. Messa told him if asked he never saw me."

The cookietender smacks herself on the forehead. That last part wasn't necessary. Jar-Jar is cute enough that she lets him get away with it. "Stop by and pick up the left over cookies after the party tonight."

"Rodger 667. Messa be over at Jabba's watching the Twi'lex dancers till then. 333 over and out."

The cookietender puts away the com and looks up at the kitchen droids. "Remind me to have a talk with him about the appropriate use of mind control tricks."

"Rodger."

She starts to walk away but stops and looks back at the droids. "Wasn't he banned from Jabba's after his last trip there?"

"Rodger."

"Have the delivery Rodgers take the ship and get ready for an emergency extraction."

"Rodger."

"Sir, Jabba the Hut called in a cookie order that we haven't shipped yet."

"Excellent. I love it when a plan comes together so easily." The cookietender takes off her apron and goes back to her spot behind the cookie bar. She perks up when Darth Vader walks over.

"I have to admit for droids they have good taste in milk shakes."

"Anything else I can get you?"

"Those Snicker doodles sound pretty good."

One of the droids walks by. "Those are to die for right Rodger?"

"Rodger-Rodger. But the doodle bugs are best."

"Rodger-Rodger."

Darth Vader turns to the cookie tender. "Doodle bugs?"

"Snicker doodle cookies dressed up with frosting and candy to look like a bug." She looks back at the second kitchen droid. "One of the Rodgers are dressing up some now."

"I think I'm brave enough to try that in a milkshake."

"Any particular flavor of milkshake you want that in?"

"What do you recommend?"

"I'll have to defer to the milkshake experts. What do you think Rodgers?"

"Since snicker doodles are cinnamon flavored I would pair that with vanilla for sure sir."

"Rodger-Rodger."

"Make it vanilla then."

The cookietender looks up as the oven dings.

"Nine minutes. New Record for recipe 18 sir."

"Rodger that Rodger. I'll bring that vanilla doodle bug milkshake right out with Darth Sideous' Brownies." She turns to the Rodger who pulls out the milkshake ingredients as Darth Vader goes back to take a seat. "I'll work on that. You fix Darth Sideous' usual Cream Soda. You know he wants it just so-so."

"Rodger."

She turns to the other Rodger. "When will Jabba's order be ready to ship?"

"As soon as recipe 27 bakes sir."

"Recipe 27?"

"Sometimes there is just no accounting for taste sir. It could be worse as in recipe 24."

The cookie tender shudders in revulsion at the thought of recipe 24. "Rodger that Rodgers." The cookietender prepares Darth Vader's milkshake and grinds up some snicker doodles and candy ingredients to add in. Topping it with a little extra frosting over the standard whipped cream."

The second Rodger sticks an extra doodle bug cookie on the side that Darth Vader can crumble up to make it a little chunkier if he wants and takes the order out. He is followed by the first Rodger with a cream soda and steaming plate of edges only brownies.

Darth Sideous jumps down off the stage to take a break after finishing up his latest song. "Cream Soda. Nothing better than that and a big steaming plate of brownies."

"Anything else sirs?"

"I'm good for now. Vader?"

"So am I."

"Rodger sirs."

Darth Sideous turns back toward the cookie bar. "Cookietender. Entertain us with some of your singing."

"I'll need some time to warm up. Better let the Rodgers sing until I'm ready."

"Rodger."

He frowns as the droids rush on stage before turning to Darth Vader. "She can be such a diva."

"We put our own twist on this one. We like to call it Rodger-Rodger Mr. Roboto."

Darth Sideous take a bite of one of his brownies. "I can't understand why she insists on using droids in the kitchen."

The cookietender looks over at the table as she crosses the room toward the back stage area. "They work for milkshakes."

"Rodger-Rodger!"

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><p><strong>Darth Vader's request of the day: Doodle Bug Cookie Milkshake. Care for one or at least the Cookietender's recipe-if you wish to become a minion that is ;)<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**i'm finally in one of those almond joy states of mind i need to be in to write this whacked out thing. i'm gonna try to finish the whole thing now and post the rest week by week so all you nice readers out there don't get stuck waiting for the ending if i get writers block or stuck in a mounds state of mind again.**

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><p>"...I'm Rodger...Rodger...Rodger...Rodger...Rodger..."<p>

Sideous looks very pissed off after the droids finish their take on the song-but Vader applauds their efforts.

"You liked that?""

"I found it very entertaining."

The Rodgers pull back the curtains. "And now give it up for the one the only A Baker."

Sideous smacks himself on the forehead. "Why do I bother with that diva?" He takes a bite of a brownie and and immediately calms getting a far off dreamy look in his eyes.

"Umm...Because she's such a good baker?"

He speaks through a mouth full of brownie. "Damn straight she is."

Vader watches as drool runs from the corner of Sideous mouth as he munches on the brownie. He wonders just what the cookie tender put in them. He looks up amazed as the cookie tender begins to sing.

Sideous perks up. "Rolling in the Deep...I love this song!"

"Diva or not she is very good."

Grudgingly Sideous mumbles an agreement.

Jar Jar staggers out of the super speedy space taxi service falls to the ground as he gets his feet tangled up in his cloak and falls to the ground. He holds up some money the driver reaches out and takes it then speed off. "Next time Issa just taken de speedy taxi." He shakes his head before getting up and dusting off his cloak. It wouldn't do for him to be recognized after his last visit here. How was he supposed to know jumping up on stage and dancing with the girls wasn't allowed-its not like they had a sign up forbidding it. He plays it cool as he pulls the hood up over his head and enters Jabba's. He freezes when it gets really quite and everyone turns to look at him. He turns around looking to see if there is a droid behind him or something. "Spooky." Jar Jar moves to an empty table near the stage as everyone goes about their business. Just as he's getting into watching the girls onstage a Toydarian flies up beside him.

"You one of them Jedi's?"

Jar Jar waves his hand at the flier. "You didn't see anything."

"Yes I do. Hey boys we got us a Jedi in the house!"

Jar Jar gulps as lots of shady characters start to close in on him. "uh-oh Meesa in trouble here."

As the cookie tender steps off stage on of the droids leaves the kitchen. "Super speedy delivery ship is now going out on the run now sir."

"Was the delivery droid's short circut repaired?"

"Umm..."

The cookie tender smacks herself in the head.

Vader decides to try his hand at Karaoke and goes backstage to warm up. As he heads back there he overhears Sideous talking to the Cookietender.

"You got it wrong earlier."

The cookie tender glances over at Sideous. "I'm never wrong."

"It was Sebulba that was the best pod racer ever."

She scoffs at the idea. "He was nothing up a dirty rotten sneaky stinking cheat and you know it."

Vader moves on backstage. He has to admit it will never be a boring day at the office around here.

Sideous gets up and approaches the cookie tender as she takes her place behind the cookie bar. "I have a plan to deal with the Jedi out there in hiding that I want to run by you." He looks around to make sure that no else is listening before he continues. "Picture this...we hold a competition here at club called Dancing with the Jedi Stars."

The cookie tender stares at Sideous a few moments awed by the sheer stupidity of his latest hair brained scheme. "You really think something like that would lure them all out of hiding and straight into Club Sith of all places? Remember how your last hair-brained scheme turned out?"

Sideous shivers at the memory of that.

"This by far has to be your worst idea."

"Okay that was bad I admit. What you say A-help me out again."

"Help you? Help you...If it weren't for me you would still be a lowly sith underling. If not for me Darth Maul would have killed you when he found out just how screwy you are. If not for me and my special cookies Darth Plagous wouldn't have lost his powers which gave you the chance to kill him in his sleep. All that planning to deceive the Separatists and the Republic Senate-none of it would have happened if not for me. And after all that you still haven't paid up. If you want another brilliant plan you know my price."

"I've made my position very clear on that."

"No payment-no more plans. Invite the Jedi in for some dance contest. A hair-brained scheme like that is sure to make Vader realize you're a nut and off you in your sleep without special cookies to sap your powers."

"I'm watching you cookie tender."

"Oh no Sideous. I'm the one watching you and don't you forget it."

"Presenting for the first time onstage anywhere. Darth Vader!"

They both look up as the droid announces Vader on stage and he starts singing Sixteen Tons.

The Cookie tender looks up in awe. "He's a natural."

"Don't get any ideas-he's my apprentice."

As Sideous goes back to his seat the cookie tender walks over a canister marked sugar and pulls out four buried crystal cubes-three of which pulses bright red and one more glowing green-the powers of the last three sith lords to meet and untimely end and one unfortunate Jedi the crystals were tested on. "Not for long you old fart."

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><p><strong>Jabba's order on the super speedy delivery cookie ship includes recipe 27. Brave enough to try one or at least the cookie tender recipe?-if you wish to become an honorary club sith member that is ;)<strong>

**NEW poll question in my profile-check it out.**


	5. Chapter 5

**back for more zaniness!**

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><p>The droids wildly applaud Darth Vader's singing debut until the order com rings and one is forced to run back into the kitchen and answer it.<p>

"BRAVO BELISSIMO!" The cookie tender brings Sideous a box of tissues.

He sits there a moment before sniffling then breaking out into a bawling fit.

The cookie tender looks up at Vader. "Consider that a compliment. He only cries like that when something makes him happy."

Sideous grabs several tissues. "That was amazing my boy." He looks up at the cookie tender. "Do I know how to pick em or what?"

"For once you did." She mumbles as she starts to walk off. "Surprisingly."

Before she can walk off Sideous waves his hand in front of her. "I'm in the mood for pizza now-go make some."

Vader watches as the cookie tender isn't even phased.

"Do we really have to go through this again? I'm a cookie maker not a pizza maker."

Sideous raises his hand again. "Go make pizza."

The cookie tender waves her hand in front of Sideous. "If you want pizza go call The Hut."

Sideous gets up. "I want pizza. I'm going to go call the hut."

"Idiot." The cookie tender returns to the cookie bar.

Rodger rushes out of the kitchen. "The senate just called in an order for their reception tonight and we are out of the secret recipe."

Sideous snaps out of it. "Holy Crap! I forgot all about the reception." He turns to the cookie tender. I need the super speedy delivery ship to get me there."

"It left on a delivery for Jabba. You remember what happened the last time you forgot and delayed his delivery right right?"

Sideous shiver violently at the memory of that. "I couldn't sleep for a month after that."

The cookie tender smirks. "I can get you a ride with my half brother Z."

Vader watches as Sideous scowls at her. "The Plumber?"

Sideous grumbles as he goes back to calling a pizza order into the hut.

One of the Rodgers puts in a call to the delivery ship. "Delivery Rodger this is kitchen droid Rodger 1 do you copy?"

"Rodger Rodger."

"Once you drop that order off at Jabba's pick up Jar Jar then get back here to pick up an order for the senate."

"Rodger Rodger."

The delivery droid kicks the ship into overdrive and makes it to Jabba's in record time. He whistles to himself as he carries in the order-expertly dodging the chaos that ensues every time Jar Jar comes here.

Jar Jar manages to dodge several laser blasts-bursts out the door somersaults on the ground several times and gets up running. He ditches the cloak tossing it in the doorway of a shop as he spots the cookie ship and dives into the back.

"He went this way lets get him!"

Jar Jar hunkers down in the back the pursuers run past the ship. "That wassa way to close." He jumps startled as the delivery rodger comes back for another load of boxes.

"I have orders to take you to the senate reception once I stop and pick up their cookie order."

"That's tonight?"

"Yes sir. Give me a few moments to collect the payment and we'll be on our way."

Jar Jar climbs up front and takes a seat behind the pilots chair.

Inside Jabba inspects the order as the droid returns.

"Is everything to you liking sir?"

"Looks good. Next time add a couple of batches of recipe 24 to the order. I'm expecting family."

"Very well sir." He takes the payment from Jabba. "Anything else?"

"Yeah tell that kooky Sideous to stop calling here. We don't make pizza."

"Rodger. Have a pleasant day sir." As he goes back to the delivery ship he stops as several wires spark inside him. His head twitches as he continues back to the ship.

Jar Jar looks up as the droid shuts the doors to the ship and takes his seat with his head still twitching. "Umm are you okay?"

"Rodger Sentor Binks. Pl-pl-pl-pl-pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee e." He smacks himself in the head which then turns a full 180 staring at Jar Jar. "Please hold on for dear life."

Jar Jar screams as the droid takes hold of the controls and launches the ship without turning to watch where he's going.

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><p><strong>Jabba changed his order for next time to include recipe 24. Brave enough to try one or at least the cookie tender recipe?-if you wish to become an honorary club sith member that is ;)<strong>

**NEW poll question in my profile-check it out if you haven' answered it already.**


	6. Chapter 6

**And now we get to the more serious part of this tale.**

All is quiet in the club after Sideous leaves on Z Plumber's super speedy repair ship for the senate reception. The cookie tender looks up as Darth Vader approaches her.

"So is Sideous like that all the time."

"Pretty much at least while he's here. I honestly don't know how that man runs the senate. As you can see he is totally flipped out coo coo la bonza. What made you sign on as his apprentice if you don't mind my asking?"

"He promised to show me how to stop those I love from dying."

"With Maul...I don't know what his deal was actually-creepy guy. Tyrannous it was immortality and that old stand by power-I hated that pompus at sign double dollar sign. But you I like-I just wish he had brought you here before you signed on-I would have warned you what you were getting into Aniken Skywalker."

He looks at her in surprise. "How do you know that?"

"Same way I made Sideous call the hut for pizza. Its also how I know Sideous acts just sane enough on occasion to manipulate others into getting what he wants. And my dear boy he wanted you."

"I don't follow you."

"You have visions of the future of those you care about. He manipulated you into believing you could change what you saw-stop death even if you wanted to. Not even Plagueous could do that-he just had a touch of mad scientist in him and liked to experiment if you catch my drift. Know why we called him the wise?"

"No."

"He was obsessed with fortune cookies and couldn't stop quoting them whenever he thought it was appropriate-which was often. We made so many of those things three Rodger bots fried their circuits trying to make fortunes so he got something new every time. Sideous though-he's on a power trip and just wants to be the supreme high ruler of all and you are the third person he has manipulated into helping him reach that goal...and if like the two before you he feels you are catching on to his questionable mental state or standing in his way he will dispose of you just like he did Maul and Tyrannous. I'm under contract here with the Sith Lord to help out in that respect...but it doesn't specify which one that is I help and I think that if there is ever going to be a new one around here it should be Sideous who gets replaced. There is something else you might like to know about him."

"What's that?"

"Sideous set into motion the events that killed your Padome. He knew she wouldn't like the change that came over you as you turned to the dark side-it happens to everyone. Maul was my former mild mannered accountant Had Sideous not found your weak spot and tricked you into becoming your apperenitice you would still have Padome and the twins she carried. Rodger 2 please bring Vader that recording you made concerning him the time Sideous went he went to that old hag of a soothsayer he likes to consult."

Rodger opens a cabinet and moves some boxes around and brings up a holo-viewer. "Nice way to respect your granny-sir."

"When the shoe fits wear it-besides I lost all respect for her years ago." She pushes it to Vader when Rodger sits it down on the counter. "I'll let you have a look at this. It was made when you and I would have still been in diapers."

"Look closely and you can see her streaking across the background in one."

"Not funny Rodger."

"Yes it is sir."

"I'm going to help the Rodgers finish up the senate order. I'll be in the back if there is anything you want to talk about later." As she goes back into the kitchen she glances out the window as the delivery ship nearly crash lands. "I didn't expect them back so soon."

"The delivery Rodger must have gone on the fritz and used overdrive the whole way."

She goes on into the back as Jar Jar runs screaming from the ship. The cookie tender opens the door. "Keep it down Vader is still here."

"Messa no ridin' wit that droid to the senate itssa crazy."

"Just a short circut I'll send another Rodger while it gets repaired."

"Messa calling de speedy cab."

"Its not fast enough and there is no sense wasting money on a super speedy one when the delivery ship is going to the senate." She leads him into a private backroom where cookies and milk are waiting. "Stay here, eat something and calm down."

"Ooo...doodle bugs!"

Vader takes a seat and watches the holo-vid. Something like this can be faked easily enough but as he plays the scene over and over his gut tells him its not. Sideous was planning to use him since he was just a baby based on what some soothsayer said about the future. He looks up when the cookie tender comes out of the back. "What if this soothsayer told him i'd find this out."

"If we're all lucky she's in hell." She turns to the Rodger cutting him off for he can speak. "I told you I lost all respect for that woman." The cookie tender turns back to Vader. "That was the last prophecy she ever made. Plaugeous found out what she was up to and had her silenced."

"You clearly have a price for your services. Name it."

"You take over when Sideous bites the dust and I get to be the first Sith Lady."

Vader holds out his hand "Done. I have a feeling its going to take someone like you to make Sideous pay."

The cookie tender shakes his hand. "He's going to pay big time."

Sideous shakes in revulsion as from the ride in the plumbing ship as he goes into the office. He needs to calm his nerves before the party starts. He brightens up when he sees the package on his desk. As annoying as they are the Rodgers never let him down. Cookies in a plain delivery box so no one will find out about his obsession. He opens the box to find the very special secret recipe cookies that are even better than brownies. He sits down at his desk and digs right in.

As the cookie tender goes back to the kitchen she notices light pulsing from the lid of the sugar canister. She opens it to find the dormant crystal now pulsing red. She watches it with a sinister smile.

"Order up sir."

"Is the pilot down for repair?"

"Rodger sir. Number 8 is making this run."

"I'll go get Jar Jar" She walks to the backroom. "8 is going to make the delivery. He stutters for some reason but there is nothing wrong with his piloting skills."

"As long as it not the crazy one. That thing almost rammed into a supply ship."

"Vader agreed to the plan. You know what to do."

"First lone trooper Messa come to. No problema."

**If we offered up the secret recipe it wouldn't be secret any more now would it? If you can get it using the force mind tricks you just might be honorary minion material.**

**NEW poll question in my profile-check it out if you haven' answered it already.**


	7. Chapter 7

**I forgot how wacky things could turn out to be when i write in an almond joy state of mind.**

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><p>Jar Jar arrives at the Senate as fast as the super speedy delivery ship can carry him. He quickly spots a lone trooper as he opens the ships door. "You there could you help messa please?"<p>

"Of course Senator Binks."

Jar Jar waves his hand in front of the troopers face as he approaches. "Messa need you to paint your armor black. Don't let nobody see you do it. Then you sneak into the Chancellor's Office before he leaves for the party and yousa assassinate him. Sneak out fast once its done and clean up that armor. Don't let nobody see you do that either. Yousa not gonna remember a thing about what messa told yousa or what yousa did when its over."

"I'm going to paint my armor black-make sure no one sees me-then sneak in to assinate the chancellor before he goes to the party. When that is done I sneak back out and make sure no one sees me cleaning up my armor. I won't remember what I did or that you told me to do it."

Jar Jar turns to the delivery driver sub as the trooper hurries off. "Messa believes the cookie tender would say excellent."

"R-r-rodger s-s-sir."

Jar Jar heads up to the party to mingle with the other delegates. He has a plan of his own once the job is done here and that means making lots of friends tonight to make it happen.

Sideous lounges in his office after the cookie feast. He is a firm believer in arriving fashionably late to these functions. He soon finds himself drifting off to sleep.

"The mail ship just arrived. You gotta a package from your granny sir."

"Hateful old hag. I got no respect for her I tell you. Ornery as the devil and twice as mean she is." The cookie tender takes the package.

"You said Darth Plagueous had her silenced."

"He did-she hasn't been able to speak a word since since Grampy caught her plotting against him."

"Grampy? I thought you said it was Darth Plagueous who did it."

"My Grampy was Darth Plagueous."

"Rodger that sir."

The other Rodger bot looks up. "You helped Sideous off Darth Plagueous who is your grandfather?"

"I'm under contract to the Sith Lord. Not my fault there is a loop-hole that doesn't specify which one that is. You got any idea what breeching that contract would cost me?"

"No sir."

"Maul could have told you till he gave up accounting to become a Sith Lord."

"He was one creepy Darth sir."

"He was even more creepy as a mild mannered accountant." The cookie tender opens the box and pulls out another crystal like the others hidden in the sugar jar. "Excellent the old hag came through again." She takes a milkshake glass from the drying rack and a hand held grater. "Use this glass for Vader's next order and mix up real good."

"Rodger sir."

The cookie tender grates an edge of the crystal into powder in the glass. Then stows the crystal in the cookie jar with the others.

"Do we know what happened to that bothersome witch Tyrannous tried to keep as a secret apprentice?"

"Delivery Rodger ran her down with the old speedy delivery ship the first time he short circuited."

"That was an ugly sight sir."

"Does anyone else know about that?"

"No sir. If we reported it and the insurance company got word our rates would go through the roof. Besides there wasn't much left of her. The cleaning crew Rodgers threw what was left of her in the compost heap we use for the recipe 24 ingredients that the Hut like."

"And after that you act like its a bad thing that I have no respect for my Granny?"

Darth Sideous awakens himself with his own snoring falling backwards in his chair. He looks at the clock as he gets up. Forget fashionable he's just plain late this time. He rushes to the door still not fully awake. When it opens at first he thinks its his sith apprentice standing there. "Vader? What the Devil are you doing here?" He realizes its not Vader at all as a blaster is aimed straight at his heart. He tries to use his Sith powers to ward of the disguised assassin only to find he doesn't have any. "Oh crap..." It quickly flashes through his mind as remembers the cookie tender running around in diapers when he first consulted her granny about overthrowing her husband Darth Plagueous and he doesn't have the chance to say he never should have trusted the cookie tender or to curse at her for getting the better of him or even curse himself for missing what she was up to.

The mind controled trooper doesn't waste any time firing a number of shots into Sideous' body any one of which on its own would have been a lethal hit. He quickly leaves to carry on the rest of his mission.

At the party one of the delegates talking to Jar Jar looks around. "I know Sideous always likes to make a grand late entrance but he had never been this late before."

"True. Wonder what's keeping him."

Another delegate steps up. "Anyone willing to bet the old kook fell asleep again?"

"Meesa got a strict no betting policy. Last time Meesa lost shirt in the deal." Jar Jar basks in revery as everyone nearby laughs at his joke.

"Speaking of kook." One of the more pompous delegates steps up. "Has anyone noticed just how peculiar he has gotten lately? I saw him arrive in Z. Plumber's nasty old ship. Talk about slumming."

Jar Jar looks around as everyone gaps in horror-this is the opportunity he has been waiting for. "Meesa hates to think it after all the good he's done for the senate but it appears the chancellor may be losing his marbles."

"We can't let a man like that run the senate!"

"Heaven's no! We should take the vote to the counsel chambers right now to replace him before he gets here and tries to stop us."

They all turn as someone comes running in screaming. "The chancellor is dead! Someone shot him dead in his office!"

The pompous delegate nudges Jar Jar. "Well at least that solves that problem."

"Indeed but weesa gonna have to hold that emergency meeting to vote on a new supreme chancellor for sure now."

"Quite right old chap."

As everyone rushes toward the chancellor's office Jar Jar waves his hand in front of the pompous delegate. To security cameras it looks like he's waving that they should follow the crowd. "Yousa going nominate and me and use yousas sweet talking skills to get me voted in."

The pompous delegate follows Jar Jar as the crowd moves toward the chancellors office. "Jar Jar my Gungan friend-I think you're just the type of leader we need."

One of the Rodgers turns on the broadcast news channel to find out the latest goings on in the Far Far Away Galaxy as they work on cleaning up the kitchen after the working day has come to an end. He quickly pokes his head out to the main floor where the cookie tender and Vader are. "Sirs! I think you're going to want to hear this!"

Vader and the cookie tender approach the counter as the droid turns up the holo-news feed.

"Our sources report that the senate is in an uproar at this time as the Chancellor who was late to their big gala reception tonight was found murdered in his office. Security is scrambling to check the video feed to find the culprit. Those same sources speculate it was one of his private inner circle."

"I guess he wasn't doing such a good job hiding his deteriorating mental state after all. No one would dare try that unless they knew was off his rocker and was no longer mentally sharp enough to catch them." The cookie tender looks up as the kitchen Rodgers run and jump up the karaoke stage.

"Let the joyous news be spread the hideous Darth Sideous at last is dead! YAY! Ding dong darth sideous is dead! Which old Sideous? The hideous old Sideous! Ding dong the Hideous old Sideous is dead!" Other Rodger droids run up from down stairs and join in the singing.

"Way to respect the former boss there Rodgers." She looks over at Vader. "Looks like someone beat us to him. Damn it! I was all set to put him off his guard with a batch of X-lax in his brownies that would have kept him glued to the commode for a week."

Vader looks over at her and breaks out in fits of laughter. "Talk about suffering. I almost wish I could have seen that."

"My plan was to go all telekinetic on him so it would look like he crapped himself to death."

Vader collapses on the floor rolling with fits of laughter at the idea as the Rodgers start their song all over again. He finally picks himself up and calms down. "I like your style cookie tender and no matter how it happened a promise is a promise. I dub you Sith Lady Lunous."

The Rodgers cheer at that.

Vader looks over at them all. "Milkshakes on the house!"

The kitchen Rodgers rush back behind the counter getting to work mixing a very special one for the Sith Lord in the previously prepared glass.

Back at the Senate video footage of the assassin is located and passed around to the senators to see if anyone can identify him. Several from the Trade Federation who have worked closely with the Chancellor as political allies react in horror. "Its Vader!"

"Who's this Vader character?"

Jar Jar looks at the Pompous delegate and shrugs as security forces storm the trade federation delegates to get more information. "Beats Meesa."

"I mean what I said earlier. I think the new Chancellor should be you. I'm going to put you up for nomination."

"Meesa is very flattered."

At the Club Vader downs his latest milkshake as the Rodgers dance around singing their song from earlier.

All the Rodgers freeze suddenly as more news comes in the holo-feed.

"We have just gotten hold of video footage of the chancellors assassination. While he is unseen in his office the assassin is clearly visible to security cameras."

"Sirs! That's one of the senate troopers with his armor painted black!"

The former cookie tender now newly dubbed Lady Lunous shushes the Rodger as more news comes in. "We can see that."

The holo-feed loops the assassin firing into the office. "Delegates from the Trade federation have identified the assassin as a recent acquaintance of the Chancellor known only as Vader. You are being advised to stay inside at this time and lock all doors and windows. The suspect is considered armed and extremely dangerous.

"I've been framed!"

"That blasted trade federation has been trouble ever since Sideous allied with them. It must be some elaborate ploy of theirs to get him out of their way since he went off the deep end." She turns to Vader "And they can make it work because to the public right now you are Vader a recent mysterious and little known acquaintance of the Chancellors."

"One of the kitchen Rodgers steps up to Lady Lunous sensing an opening to cause Vader more confusion given their earlier conversation. "Sir it may not be just the Trade Federation."

Both Sith turn to the droid. "Remember that she-devil of not so secret apprentice that Tryannous had? She swore she was going to get even with Sideous after Tryannous' untimely end and the one that killed him before she stormed out of here."

The other kitchen Rodger agrees. "That is one chilling file that I've ever been able to delete from my data banks."

The still short circuiting delivery driver with his head facing backward sparks as he approaches. "Rodger 8 just radioooooooooooooooooooooo..." It smacks itself in the head again which turns around the right way. "...radioed in the troopers found receipts for this place in Sideous office at the senate and are heading this way to search for Vader."

Lady Lunous turns to Lord Vader. "I have a contact in the senate that can hopefully straighten this mess out but you need to hide until then. In the meantime we can always send the x-laxed brownies to the trade federation to get even."

"The old speedy delivery ship is pretty banged up and all the paints peeled off but its still workkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk..." The droid bangs it head which turns around backward again. "...working."

"My Lord I think you should let him take you somewhere to hide before the troopers get here. Rumor is with the Jedi's in hiding the troopers have all been implanted with anti-mind control devices. I will delay them here as long as I can."

"The delivery droid heads off outside. "Speedy delivery...speedy delivery...speedy delivery...speedy delivery...speedy delivery...speedy delivery...speedy delivery...speedy delivery..."

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><p><strong>So Sideous was originally supposed to get knocked off by Cookie Tenders plan but that would have just made the story long and drawn out which I didn't want to do-so I decided to cut it short and sweet by framing Vader for it from the get go. Lunous is a play on the word Lunacy if anyone doesn't find it obvious. If you haven't picked up on it most all the characters are OOC bumbling oafs and miss what they wouldn't if they were true to character. I made up the stuff about Darth Maul being a mild mannered accountant before he became a Sith Lord. It just seemed funny at the time and like I said this is a spoof of Star Wars not true to fact stuff-except for one character that is based on a real person-guess which one and you become a full fledged Club Sith member with the deluxe membership package-overactive imagination is requirement for that.<strong>

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	8. Chapter 8

**The final chapter in this twisted tale.**

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><p>As he is being cleared to depart the senate after the assassination of the Chancellor halted all incoming or outgoing space traffic Rodger 8 gets a coded communication from the club he knows what to do as he pokes his head out of the ship. "Excuse me s-s-sirs! You might want to look at this."<p>

Jar Jar sits back in the emergency meeting as they debate the pompous delegates proposal to make him Chancellor. He doesn't need to mind control them all into voting for them just enough of those that haven't been convinced by the smooth talker to ensure a majority vote in his favor.

"Uh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" The droid smacks himself in the head. "...oh. We have company sir."

Vader looks out the back to see trooper transport ships gathering all around them.

The radio crackles to life. "We know you're in there Vader land now or you will be shot down."

"Would you like me to take evasive action sir?"

"By all means. I will handle them."

The delivery Rodger zigs the ship into an asteroid field and zags around them crazily at break neck speed.

Vader gets bumped around and tumbled all around the back before he can attempt to use his Sith powers on the pursuers. "What are you doing?!"

"Taking evasive actttttttttttttttttttttttttt ttttttt..." As he smacks himself in the head this time it turns around backward again. "...action sir."

"Stop it before you get us killed in here."

"I'm sorry sir you didn't say the magic word."

"Magic word?" Vader attempts to use his Sith powers to incapacitate the Rodger only to realize when nothing happens that Sideous wasn't the only one who used him.

The driod opens the radio channel. "Sirs I have Vader here would you like me to put him out of your misery for you?" Rather than waiting for a reply he corkscrews into the asteroid ejecting himself from the cockpit just before impact-which isn't noticed in the resulting explosion.

After the senate vote Jar Jar stands up before them all. "Fellow senators...it is with a humble heart that Meesa accepts your overwhelming vote to make Messa Chancellor."

At the club the cookie tender looks up as the holo-feed spits out another news report. "Sources close to the investigation report that Vader has just been killed in a high speed chase with trooper through an asteroid field."

"Excellent."

As Rodger 8 pilots the super speedy delivery ship back to the club he is unaware that a hitchhiker floating in space grabs hold of the hull as he passes the asteroid field where Vader was killed.

Very late that night Jar Jar finally returns to the club. He pays the speedy cab driver to wait for him because he doesn't intend to stay long. When he goes inside the droids are still celebrating the death of Sideous.

"What took you so long?"

Jar Jar looks down at the new Sith Lady. "Had to vote on a new Chancellor."

"Good riddance to the old one. Too bad about Vader though I liked him. We lost the delivery Rodger too."

"Good riddance to that crazy thing." He looks around at all the droids sporting 'Vader was framed' T-shirts and drinking milkshakes out of goblets that look like a big headed mini version of Vader. "Where'd they get all that stuff?"

"Made it down stairs. They work fast."

"Join the party sirs!"

Lady Lunous turns to the Rodger. "In a minute we have some business to attend to." She turns to Jar Jar. "As promised Jar Jar, I dub thee Darth Goofenhimer."

"Woo hoo! Weesa the big time Sith Lords now. Sorry Lady and Lord. So what now Darth..."

"Lunous."

"Good name."

"For now we lay low. We don't want the Jedi out there finding out who we are."

"That would be bad. For now we can party though." He runs out to the droids. "Stomp dance!"

Lady Lunous smacks herself in the forehead.

Outside the hitchhiker hides in the shadows as Rodger 8 goes inside. He jumps off the super speedy delivery ship and makes his way to the waiting speedy cab.

The driver looks back as the door opens. "I got orders to wait. Besides we don't serve your-" The driver is cut off as he is dragged out of the ship by his throat.

The techno mix of the "Dayo song blares in the club as Jar Jar and several of the Rodgers stomp in rows first the front row jumping with feet spread out then the back row with feet spread out jump and pulls theirs together. It goes on back and forth for most of the song before Jar Jar gets a little too enthusiastic gets out of rhythm and crashes into several Rodgers which causes a chain reaction knocking them all down. They all pick themselves up laughing over it though.

As the song ends Jar Jar starts a chant encouraging the new Sith Lady to get up onstage and sing. One by one the Rodgers pick it up until the entire club is buzzing.

While the Rodgers get her up onstage Jar Jar goes back into the kitchen to mix up a special Gungan celebration milkshakes. In one glass he uses the sugar the supposedly secret crystals are hidden in-which he knows has been tainted by them. He leaves that glass alone as he passes the rest out to the Rodgers. When she comes off stage he waits at a table in the back and pushes the glass to her as she sits down.

"That stuff has enough sugar in it to make a person bounce off the walls for days."

"Its power good though. Just like Meesa Mom used to make it."

Sith Lady Lunous downs most of it in one gulp. She looks up as one of the Rodgers comes over. "Sirs there is a speedy cab ship outside." She looks over at Jar Jar. "You expecting company?"

"Nope. Meesa can't stay. Lots to do back at the Senate." He pauses for dramatic effect. "They voted me Chancellor."

"Why would you do that?"

"What makes you think Meesa made them do it?"

"Its what any Sith Lord with a chance to take over would do."

He shrugs as he gets up and starts to walk away. He stops after a few steps looking back at her with one of his lovable looks. "Meesa used all the sugar in the kitchen. Yousa need to get the Rodgers to bring up some from storage for tomarrow."

Her Sith apprentice is out the door before Lady Lunous realizes what he really meant by that comment. By then its too late and she slumps over the table.

As the ship takes off Jar Jar gets a call from the Rodgers.

"Darth Goofenhimer here."

"Sir we just found Darth Lunous dead."

"Messa noticed the Hut put had an order for recipe 24 on the board. Throw her on the compost heap."

"Rodger sir."

Jar Jar kicks back in the seat. "Chancellor and Sith Lord in one day. Meesa gonna do what kooky old Sideous only dreamed of." He pushes a button lowering the privacy shield between him and the driver. "Take it slow. Messa in no hurry tonight." He screams as the delivery Rodger turns its head around to face him. He screams even louder as the dead driver falls out of an overhead compartment during a sharp turn.

"Sorry sir no can do. You're in a speedy cab shippppppppppppppppppppp..." It smacks itself in the head as it veers into the asteroid field. "...ship. Thank you for choosing us for your transportation needs and have a nice afterlife."

Jar Jar continues to scream as the crazy Rodger crashes the ship into a nearby asteroid.

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><p><strong>in the end lady lunous grossly underestimated her apprentice. that wasn't my intended ending but to cut it short and keep it zany i liked the serial killer aspect the short circuiting delivery Rodger started to show. the stomp dance sequence is based on a dream i had after Sig Hansen started singing 'Dayo' on a Deadliest Catch episode and got that song stuck in my head then i watched a video of Hanson recording stomps as percussion for their album and somehow it all got mixed up with a dream where all 3 of band guys and the ship captain did a stomp dance to a techno mix of 'Dayo' and for some reason Jar Jar was ended up trying to join in and wreaked havoc. i couldn't resist throwing it into the final chapter.<strong>

**i didn't invent the shirts or the cups mentioned in the story those are real Star Wars novelty items as well as jar jar's shirts mentioned in an earlier chapter and the slogan on the baker's apron.**

**that isn't the end for the fantasy club sith though-just this crazy story. in the fantasy version both lady lunous and lord goofenhimer are alive and well and the club is frequented by the greats of cartoons past and present-as voted on by Sith Lady-Sith Lord and all the minions who okay membership applications. to visit all it takes it an overactive imagination and knowledge of our floor plan and services available-an the offer of a cookie from a shady looking character. in the case of this story we will also let cookie recipe requests be valid-just tell our bouncers Black Blaze and Tigertron that Darth Lunous invited you-although a cookie recipe request as proof couldn't hurt ;)**

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